Intro

Welcome to the Brotherhood of the Phoenix workshop for IML 2008. For those of you who aren’t familiar with our group, we’re a neo-pagan order for gay, bi and transgender men who love men. Within this workshop, we’re going to discuss some of the cross-over between leather play and spiritual experiences, particularly as they relate to power exchange and ritual drama. One of the most important parts of that and the one that I have focused on for this discussion is the polarity that is created by two people when they engage in a Scene together. While the goal of some scenes may just be hot kinky fun, it’s also quite possible to engage in personal and spiritual transformative work at the same time. Of course you may be asking yourself why do I want to bring more spirituality to my kink? The answer to that is as varied as the people in the room. For myself my spirituality is part of everything I do, including my kink. Leather play is all about celebrating the life and the connections that can be formed between people. For me as a sub, it’s about giving myself and putting myself out in a way that it allows me to learn and understand myself and others better. So let’s begin by looking at some base concepts and then see how they can translate into the activity of a scene.

Concepts

What do I mean by the idea of duality and polarity? Duality is all around us. Light and Dark, Male and Female, Active and Passive, there are a lot more. But why? It’s only from a state of duality that can understand something. As one of my friends is fond of saying, “You can’t know what something is until you know what it is not.” Take for example light and dark. If all we had was light we wouldn’t try to define it, it would just simply be. In other words light is NOT dark. And dark is not light, but together they form a complete whole. The Chinese symbol of Yin & Yang is an example of this. Separately they are only partially complete, but when you put them together they form a complete circle. Duality becoming unity. This concept is important for a couple of reasons. From a Leather perspective we can look at relationships. Within all relationships and particularly D/s relationships there exists a certain polarity; one is either a Top or a bottom, a Dom or a sub. Of course we all know those who switch as well, but generally within the context of a scene it’s one or the other. Because we have these defined roles it allows us to get into the headspace of the role, “Topspace” or “subspace” if you will. This in turn provides the structure that allows a Scene to unfold. But again it takes both for things to work right. You can’t really be a Top unless you have someone willing to submit to you.

Within magic there is another concept that is important here, the idea of liminal space. Does anyone know what that means? Liminal spaces are places where things begin to merge. It’s not quite one; it’s not quite the other. Some examples of this are beaches (not land, not water), twilight (not day, not night). These are important because they are in-between. Because they don’t have the solidity of being purely one or the other there is wiggle room, room where changes can occur as we move from one state to another. For me these spaces are important for another reason as well. It is from the blending of the two, the friction that is created that allows us to draw on the energy to move things forward. For the purposes of this discussion let’s look at the energies of a Dom and a sub. As I mentioned before each by themselves isn’t quite whole. They are static, roles that don’t really have a part to play, until you combine them. The push and pull of the relationship between the two is what creates the Scene and allows both sides to grow and develop.

Leather play allows us a special chance to tap into these primal energies and engage them in ways that we don’t often get to in “normal” day-to-day life. As a sub one of the things I cherish the most is the chance to let my upper brain, the part that is worrying about work, friends, family, and that laundry list of things I need to get done, shut off and really be present in the moment and let more of my unconscious and lower brain engage and react to what is happening. From what I’ve read and speaking with Tops that I know, they have a somewhat similar experience. While they perhaps still higher brain oriented, in that they are directing the Scene and remaining in control of what’s going on, there is still a narrowing of focus and that sense of being present in the moment.

Now that we’ve discussed some of the concepts of that underlie what we’re talking about let’s look at how it plays out.

Preparation

As all experienced players know the scene starts well before the activity begins. The same is also true of most spiritual experiences. The first thing is self-preparation. This can take many forms. There are the physical things that have to be accomplished, such as preparation of space, preparation of self. And then there are the intangible things such as preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for what you are about to undertake. From a personal perspective the best rituals, and the best scenes, that I’ve participated in start when you know who you are, what your role is, and why you are doing it. This in turn leads us into the next step, negotiation.

Negotiation is an important step in the process, because it is here that we begin to clarify and manifest our purpose. Here’s where we start sketching the outlines that will become our masterpiece. For some these can be very broad strokes that only show the most basic of design, and for others it can be very detailed. Either way, without some kind of plan going in, without a purpose for what we are doing, things can get confusing. Has anyone ever had this experience, you start something and then all of a sudden you can’t remember why you were doing it? Now of course this doesn’t mean that you have to plan out every little step, after all everyone likes surprises now and then.

One of the most important parts of negotiation is the definition of roles, and this is where some of those dualities begin to emerge. As Dom and sub, there can be very specific roles that are engaged and tensions are created as each role informs and amplifies the other. In Traditional witchcraft and Wicca one of the main sources of energy is the sexual tension that exists between men and women. For myself, and for other Men who love men, a better way of saying it might be the tension that is built between active and passive. For men who love men there is a special understanding of this in that we have both parts within us, including the ability to switch from one to the other. This tension is what I was talking about earlier; it’s the friction between the polarities that pushes us higher and deeper all at the same time. Another way to look at it is a feedback loop. Each role feeds into the other pushing them deeper into that role. As a sub, the more I get into subspace and relinquish control, the more it encourages the Dom to get into his own Topspace and take more control, which then in turn helps me to get more into subspace, and it keeps going and going.

Okay, so you’ve talked about it and you want to engage some of these polarities and harness the energy to do something. What kind of things can you do? Let’s look at a few examples of Scenes that can play out.

Manifestation

The first scenario we can discuss is more internal, drawing the energy into yourself. This is where the Top creates the scene in such a way an altered state can be achieved and can leave their body in the way of trance journeys and the like. I’ve heard this called by various names such as The Cathartic Keyhole, The Portal and others. Bondage scenes work well for this, as do other types of sensory depravation scenes; although other types of scenes can also be adapted for this technique as well. The key for this type of scene is that through the silencing of outside influence and stimuli it forces the bottom to be present in their body, and to listen to the small internal cues that often get drowned out in the larger day to day concerns we all carry with us. One of the best descriptions of this that I have read comes for Geoff Mains’ book Urban Aboriginals. In it he describes a bondage scene between two men where the bottom is suspended in rope and leather for almost 8 hours. The ritual of bondage that takes place as one man surrenders his body and is slowly removed from the outside world as his senses and movement are taken away is beautiful. He goes on to call it a study of human strength and human frailty. Strength comes from the ability to willingly surrender to the confinement, knowing that you are totally supported. Human frailty on the other hand comes in when the sub gives up control and places himself totally in the hands of another man. Now you may ask, what does the Top get out of this? Just as there is ritual in surrendering oneself to the rope or leather, so to is there ritual in the taking away of those senses. And as the bottom is on his trip, so to can the Top enter into a meditative state as he stands vigil and remains an anchor for the journey. Ideally there is a sense of empathy that develops between the two and so the Top can, in a way, ride the bottom. In this way, the Keyhole is often described as a portal for two. It takes the energy, the friction of both halves to reach that deeper point than can be achieved by one alone. The second type of scene is much more energetic, and in some ways is the reverse of the previous scenario, i.e. external, pushing energy out for a purpose. This type lends itself well to pain/pleasure scenes, things like whipping, flogging, electro, milking; basically anything where there is a large buildup of energy. In this type of scene the Top is much more in control and bottom serves as a kind of energy generator or battery. This can often play out in one of two ways. The first is similar to the first scenario I mentioned. As the scene continues and the energy builds, the Top basically pushes the bottom towards their limits and closer towards the Keyhole, while the bottom in turn pulls the Top along for the ride. In the second type energy is raised for a specific purpose. Here the Top acts as magician, shaping and molding the energy as it builds and amplifies between the two until the moment of climax (although perhaps not orgasm) the energy is released into the universe to achieve a desired result. A good example of this comes for Raven Kaldera’s book Dark Moon Rising. The scene that is described is a healing ritual conducted by two women for a friend who had been in an accident. In the scene one woman willingly submits to the pain of a whipping to raise energy which is then shaped and released by the second to bring healing and hopefully stave off the death of the woman who had been in the car accident. The key to this type of ritual is focus. Often this focus can be achieved with a chant that accompanies the beating, on the part of the Dom, the sub or both. However it is achieved the goal for this type of scene is a narrowed focus until only the goal and the stimulus, be it pain or pleasure, become the entire world, if only for a moment.

Finally the third scenario that I would like to present is somewhat a more advanced concept that blends pieces of the first two as well as adds in lots of role play. Here the Dom takes on the role of God/dess and the sub becomes a worshiper or supplicant. Because of the complexity of this type of situation there are many scenes that can be used to support this dynamic, but the one I think of most often are service type scenes. One word of caution, this type of role play is not all about the power trip of a Dom who wants ultimate power; it can however provide amazing transformation for both parties involved. For the sub, this type of trip can provide a physical, tactile means of connecting with a more abstract concept of divinity. For the Dom it provides an understanding of divinity and the ultimate love and compassion that Deity has for His/Her creation, much like the love of a parent. In addition, and perhaps even more powerful, each side of this equation acts as a mirror for the other. So for the sub, by seeing the God within another man, he can learn to see the god within himself. And for the Dom, his humanity is reflected back from this man who willingly kneels before him.

These are only a few examples. And they are not hard and fast examples either. Just as there is the flow of energy from one side to the other, all of these exist on a spectrum. Scenes can use only a small portion of one, or may contain several.

Aftercare

Just as proper preparation is important to a successful scene, the aftercare is also vital. Each of us needs different things when they are coming down, for me personally I usually want a few minutes to sit in silence as I process. Some people want to be held, others want to sleep, and some may need to have an orgasm (if that wasn’t part of the scene). This is where proper negotiations are important. Not only should you discuss expectations and desires for the scene itself, but you should also discuss what comes after it. And this goes for Doms as well as subs. Yes even Dom’s should be vulnerable once in a while. Both of you have had a workout and a trip of some kind and need some time to regain your footing in “normal” life. So talk about what each of you prefers and try to strike a balance where both of you are taken care of.

Another important part of aftercare is grounding. Just as a lighting rod is used to ground excess electricity, you need to ground all that excess energy that is floating around after a scene. One of the best and simplest ways of doing this is to eat or drink something. This has two benefits. It has the effect of bringing you solidly back into your body as well as replenishing your body after the workout of the scene. For the types of spiritual engagement that we’re discussing it’s even more important to makes sure that both parties are doing okay. While perhaps neither of you is a certified therapist (and you shouldn’t try to act as one) you have just forged a connection between the two of you, so be willing to talk, discuss the experience, things you felt, things it brought up, maybe even changed your mind about.

Ideally both of you are going to walk away from this changed in some way, hopefully for the better, so reintegration into “normal” life and “normal” activity can take a little time. Again, clear and constant communication is key. After the scene, and perhaps even a day or two later, you should take some time to discuss the experience. This gives both sides a chance to process, reflect and ingrate any changes as well as bring up any concerns that might be held.

Wrap-up

Hopefully this has given all of you some food for thought, and perhaps some new ideas to play with. Any comments, thoughts, questions? Well both from myself and from the Brotherhood let me say thank you for your interest and participation and invite you to share in our ritual that will be beginning shortly.